In this situation, a patron congregates adomestic violence propose for the first time. She’s been in such relationships with herhusband for one year. They have one child together. There has been some previous emotional andverbal cruelty and recently, he became physically abusive. She depends on him for monetary and feelings needs and she’s not quite sure what she should do at this degree in time. Hi Emmy. I’m Denise. >> Hi .>> I’m one of the proponents here at the centre for human rights. >> Nice to meet you. >> And how are you? How are you today? >> I’m fine. Thanks. Well, strange, feeling strange for thisbut okay. >> Yeah it’s something certainly differentfor you? >> Mm-mm. I have, I have not done this before. >> Well why don’t you tell me a little bitabout what brings you here today. >> I’m not even sure. I I sounds, about this situate and that youwork with women who are, having trouble with their relationship andare disorient and so, I mulled I’d give you guys a call.And so, I’m , thank you for coming in for takingthe time to see me. >> Yeah. So you’re, you’ve heard a little bit aboutthe program now. Would it help if I simply justified a littlebit about what, what my character might be today? >> Yeah. >> Yeah .>> Yeah. Cuz I don’t know what to do.[ LAUGH] >> Yeah. What I want to reassure you of is that i’m not here to try and tell you anything thatyou might need to do or to try and give you advice or any knowledge at all. I’m here to help you in whatever room isuseful to you. Exactly sorta sort out what’s going on and what if anything you’d like to dodifferently. So, this is really up to you. What you would like to explore today. How does that resonate? >> That clangs very hard because I’m notsure I’m very good at sorting things out myself .>> Yeah, so right now you’re feeling alittle overtook with everything that’s going on and you’renot even sure where to start. >> Yeah, that’s a good way to settle it. I’m kind of confused about what to donext. I have a little baby at home, so I don’t, I can’t think, regardless the majority of cases. >> Yeah. So now anything, any kind of decisions youmake or anything that you do, consequences both you and the, and the babe. >> Huh, uh-huh. And, and my, sweetheart. It, it changes him.Which is why I predicts I’m here, is totalking about him and me and the child and how we are cooperating. >> Yeah. Well, if you’re interested or you’rewilling, why don’t you tell me a little bit aboutyour story? I don’t know where to start. He and I had been together for about ayear. And I got pregnant right away and we, justhad this babe a bit while ago. And, and before that I was working and, he and I, you know, we’re on and off hereand there. We, we come in combats and he disappears fora while and then he comes back. That’s kind of what its first year look like. And I’ve just been getting more and moreconfused on what to do, and recently I did something certainly thatdidn’t even was like him. He looked like a different person, and itfreaked me out.And it freaked the newborn out. And, quite honestly, it freaked him out, extremely. He didn’t, he said he, he didn’t know whathappened and he felt he said he felt out of control. >> So the, in the history of therelationship over this year, it’s kind of been in and out in a way. And that there have been some incidentswhere you’ve had some arguments and separated for awhile and gone backtogether .>> Uh-huh. >> It does sound like something prettysignificant happened that sort of >> Freaked everybody out. >> Mm-hm. >> And all, all of you. The babe and you and him and, and waskinda terrifying. >> Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah. He, he came home. I was, a friend had come over, a, a manfriend. He doesn’t like me to have followers friends. He came over to help me with my resume. Cuz I’m starting to think about going backto work.And he had a weird look in his eye and soI kind of, you know, sped up and I various kinds of give my friend leavebut soon as, right after he left, he he kinda just gotthis dark, creepy regard and he pushed me onto theground and and it was just different than anything thatever has happened to me or to us together and. It, he just got this weird kinda like hewas possessed by something and he said he didn’t, he would never do thatagain. He is such, he is a really good daddy andhe genuinely helps us out a great deal. >> So in a way it doesn’t, it didn’t evenreally make sense to you or to him, because on the one paw he’s really good, good with you, and good with the papa, I want good with your child, and on theother pas it was like what is this? Something truly different. >> Mm-hm, mm-hm, yeah and he’s, he’s hereally helps us out. And I didn’t know what to, to do withthat. So that’s why, that’s, I guess thatfeeling that I have had since that happened has induced me to callsomebody to figure out what to do .>> What, what are your thoughts right nowabout some of the options out there for you to do, if, if something? What are, what are you thinking about? >> I haven’t talked to anybody for[ LAUGH] for a year, certainly. >> You’ve gotten fairly isolated. >> Yeah. Yeah, I haven’t. My mothers live reasonably far away, and, Iguess he’s kind of, my boyfriend’s kind of I suspect the word’sjealous. He just really cares about us. >> Yeah .>> And so I haven’t had a chance to really talk to parties about what some hypothesis wouldbe that wha, what could I do? I been working, and I was kind of lookingforward to working again. He’s he’s sorta made it clear that, that I don’t need to work because he’sgonna take care of us. He returns home diapers. >> Mm-hm. >> And generates us some coin when he’saround. And so, we really don’t need it most ofthe time. >> Mm-hm. So “youve had” been kinda “ve been thinking about” maybegoing back to work and doing, doing some of that on your, on yourown.And, and more he, he doesn’t really, he’sexpressing that he’d like to be able to take care of you and- >> Yeah. >> And when he’s there he, he does takecare of you? >> Yeah, yeah. And yeah he does take care of us. He’s a, he’s he makes sure that I haveenough money for, you know, for the basic needs in thehouse, and he pays the fee, and you are familiar with, but when I, when he’s goneand I run out of money, it really various kinds of, that’s when I picture, GodI really wish I could make, do a little by myself, I’m just notsure .>> Yeah, yeah. >> How to go about doing that. >> Yeah, because that leaves you in a realbind, when you’re, you’re there and you don’thave what you need. >> Mm-hm, mm-hm, and I, yeah, and I don’tknow who start fucking talking to about that. >> Yeah .>> I try to call him sometimes, and even out. You know, and say sorry for the fight thatwe had. And sometimes that works and sometimes itdoesn’t. >> Yeah. So you kind of find yourself when you’rein that secure trying to find ways of, of getting, getting what you need met, and, yeah .>> Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. Yeah. So I don’t know to do this. I symbolize I don’t know what to do next. I’m not very good at it. >> I time wanna say we, we can go oversome things that are potential to talk about to really focus on that might helpyou. But I merely want to let you know that thisis, I certainly appreciate, how hard this is tobe able to talk about it and it’s, it’s not an easy situation and you’redefinitely not alone and I genuinely appreciate your willingness totalk about it. >> Thanks.It’s really hard to. >> Yeah. I know. >>[ COUGH ]>> There are lots of different things that we cantalk about that are, that, that many women in very similar situationsfind themselves.And things that we can talk about andfocus our conversation on that might help you just sort of sortout and figure out what, if something, that wishes to do differently or how to, what your next stair are likely to be. >> Okay. >> And, and, some of those that we work with are liketalking about the relationship. You’ve mentioned a few cases things about your, your relationship and how it kind of goes in and out and it’s, can be reallygood and then he can be gone for a while, and just sort of sorting some ofthat out about where you are with that. We are talk about riches, about the resources in the community that may be there for you or in terms ofyour own understanding, but also if you are in need of added helpwe can talk about those .>> Oh .>> We can talk about safe proposing, I mean one of the, one of the importantthings is to try and help you find a way to make sure that youfeel good about preserving yourself and, and your child safe >> And we can talk about that. We can talk about finances. You mentioned you were thinking aboutgoing back to work but that you were relying on him right now. >> Mm-hm .>> We are explore that a little bit more. Taking care of yourself, which- >>[ LAUGH] Yeah liberty. >> Yeah, yeah. For numerous, numerous brand-new, brand-new mamas, that’s hardunder any circumstances, to find a way to take care of themselvesand keep themselves healthy.So that’s certainly something we can talkabout. And too, really the whole issue abouttaking care of your child, and, and your, your mothering, your parenting. How you might, how you might, focus onthat and, in this situation. >> Mm-hm. Or there might be something else that youfeel is really important to deal with right upfront exactly begins with. >> Mm-hm .>> What do you think? >>[ COUGH] Well, it, it’s it’s funny, asyou’re register me this, I, I’ve been thinking that all I’ve beendoing places emphasis on the babe, and being a good momma, and and, and more, I’malso trying to think about getting a errand, and I don’t know how those two, fittogether. And even as I’m just saying that out loud, I’m not even talking about taking care ofhim, which is weird that I’m not even.When I look at this, these cliques I, I’mlooking at mothering and children and finances and that seems to be important, yet I’m devote, I expend so much occasion “ve been thinking about” him all the time. And right now I’m not.[ LAUGH ]>> Mm-hm. So perhaps y, y, you expend a lot of timealready thinking about your relationship and genuinely fight with w, w, what it, where, what it means and where it is. >> Mm-hm. >> And now you are kinda think well maybeI oughta “ve been thinking about” some other things and consider where I might go with those.These things, if, if, a responsibility and making, learning how to be a better mother and might be might help the relationship sothat might be. >> So it might be a way of focusing onhow, how you might be able to take care ofyourself. Get, get a job or look at the possibilityof doing that, and the same time trying to incorporate your, taking care of your child. Tho, those things might help you and might free-spoken you up to figure out then whatto time about the relationship. >> What to do about the relation. Yeah, what to do about the relation. I’m not sure what to do with therelationship. >> Mm-hm. And, you know, you, you’re the only onethat, that really will know about that. About the dealing with the relationship. About what, when the timing is right forany decision that you start, one channel or the other .>> I don’t even know what to think aboutthat. I don’t know how to .>> Yeah. >> I don’t feel like I can make anydecisions.[ LAUGH ]>> Yeah. Well, and it sounds like you’d like tothink about offsetting some decisions in other areas and, and, when you think about. Was that, was that right? Would you like to focus a little bit onjust the possibility of getting a job. Is that something you’d like to talkabout? >> Yeah.And how to balance that with being a mom atthe same time cuz that audios really hard. >> Well, you mentioned earlier that youhad various kinds of been thinking about going back to work- >> Mm-hm. >> When, after the newborn was born. What, what meditates do you have about howyou might go about balancing that and, and, and thinking about, thinking aboutthat? What have you thought about? >> Well, I suspect I think initially that Iwould need his help more.He would need to help take care of thebaby. He didn’t do that now, so I don’t know, and it’d be kind of scary, that, I don’t knowwhat that would look like. So I would have to find some other help toget, to be able to go to work, even merely parttime. >> Mm-hm. >> So, I’ve got to get some child care orsomething. >> Yeah. >> So you might have to explore some otheroptions for the child care and, and other ways of taking care of the, the babyso that you would be still okay about goingback to work. >> Yeah .>> Yeah .>> Yeah.Somebody I relied. >> Yeah, yeah. >> And I’d have to figure out, simply the timing of that and a racket thatwould fit a schedule where I could still, breastfeed and help her with her sleeps andmake sure that I’m there for bedtime and all those important meters. But make enough coin that it wasworthwhile to- >> To do it. >> To, yeah, to be out and operating andpaying person. That sounds like a lot. >> Yeah. It certainly does sound, though, looks just like you, you’re really passionately commitment to taking care of your child and providing the kindof design and, and, and things, the basic needs, and genuinely takingcare of your child at the same time .>> Mm-hm. >> Yeah, yeah. >> It’s very important to me. >> Yeah .>> I didn’t think I was, I wanted to have children and then we did so I would likehim to be a daddy in that, wow, just realise I was thinking abouthim not being around as a daddy and I’m not really sure what todo with that. >> Yeah .>> But the newborn, the babe is the mostimportant thing right. I didn’t realize that, I’d spend so muchtime thinking about him all the time. And when is he gonna be back and does he enjoy us and why the heck did he dothat, that eerie thing and why does he be concerned about these other thingsthat he to be concerned about. >> Being jealous and not wanting you tohave friends. >> Yeah, why does he. And it got nothing to do with what I’mthinking about now, which is the baby and, huh. >> But it’s, you’ve mentioned that acouple goes now that it’s, that it sort of surprises you. They way you’re thinking about it and theway you’re approaching it. Like, you, you’re discern or seeingthat you have spent a lot of time really suffering over, over therelationship and, and why things are happening in therelationship, or what it genuinely necessitates. You’ve consume a great deal of time there.That kinda surprises you that you might bethinking about it differently. >> Mm-hm, suffering. I approximate[ LAUGH] that’s what I’ve beendoing. I feel like I’ve just been hoping andwishing and it seems like all my focus is always. So, when the baby’s crying, I’m, I’mworrying about him, and, and and I so the babe crying is, isjust, it’s hard.But but if, just now talking about it, making go of worrying about it feels kindof freeing. That I are able to think about why thebaby is crying, as opposed to why is why is he not returning my requests or whydid he give me that examine when I, you are familiar with, talked about getting a chore and things likethat. It’s not, so. Interesting. >> So, you’re realizing very, how much itreally takes to focus attention on the child and to be able to do it andit’s like I, I, I it’s hard to do both. >> Mm-hm .>> It’s hard to really think about doing both. >> I need his help with that. >> Yeah .>> I don’t need to be worrying about him very. I don’t understand what refuge planningmeans. >> Well, one of the things that we, we look at is trying to help people whoare in, in a situation similar to you. Where, where there might be some, wherethere might be some fear about something that could be used to, that mighthappen, or you know.And I know you said he, he, he hadindicated that he wouldn’t do it again. But sometimes it certainly helps people tofeel, to have some hopes in place for what youwould do if anything came up and how to got to get and your baby safe ifthat’s what needs to happen. So if he kinda got that funny look in hiseye again which, actually, I’ve seen before, but he precisely never reallydid anything like this before. >> Mm-hm.It really vanished farther this time. >> Yeah, okay so like if I discern, if Isaw that watch, what to do? Is that ?>> Yeah, yeah and, and, and sometimes that ties in with, you know there might beplaces that you can go to, to get safe.There might be steps that you can take to, to really keep yourself safe. Or made to ensure that the baby’s safe. Or people to call, or thing, time thingsthat you can do based on what your life is like and what you, whatresources you have available to you. >> Mm-hm .>> Is that something you’re interested in truly exploring? >> Tones kinda freaky expressed the belief that Iwould have to keep myself safe from someone that sayshe desires me and, you are familiar with, desires the baby. Audios a little strange. >> Mm-hm. Some spaces it just seems like it shouldn’thave to be that style. >> No, it shouldn’t have to be that action. But it, I didn’t expect him to do what hedid either, so. That kinda is out of nowhere. >> Yeah. It certainly made you by surprise. It’s something that you’re just trying tofigure out where. How does this fit and what, what does itmean? >> Yeah .>> And what do I do with it? >> Yeah .>> How do I, how do I respond to this? >> Yeah .>> Yeah .>> It doesn’t seem real. So I predict, thinking about, thinking aboutthat kind of manufactures sense ahead of time. >> Yeah. Well, let me see if I, if I got it all, and then we can clear some decisions about where to move from here or how to make thenext stair with that. And I wanna make sure I, I understand alittle bit about your situation. >> Okay. >> And, this, first of all, this is thefirst time you’ve come in. This is the first time that you’ve hadsomething that really happened, this incident that happened where hepushed you really, spurred “youre going to”, to take some steps.Because it’s scared you. >> Mm hm .>> And you’d, you are wanting to protect yourself and, and your child. You truly want to protect the babe. >> Mm-hm. >> You have this relationship that’s beenkinda off and on and but he’s been very supportive and helpful interms of giving you, meeting your basic needs and the baby’sbasic needs and wants to take care of you. >> Mm-hm. >> And, and there are times when it’sreally good. And there are times when you’ve been lesssure. And this is, this incident has also madeyou kind of think about that. >> Mm-hm. >> Some of the ways that you’ve beenthinking about or, or thinking about it now kind of surprisesyou. But you’re looking at thinking about thepossibility of maybe working it out to go back to work a littlebit. So that you are eligible to have more financialindependence, if you will, or be able to take care of yourself for thosetimes when it is necessary .>> Mm-hm. >> And you’re starting to toy with theidea of maybe it might be useful to have a really good plan to keep yourself safe. Did that kind of get it all? >> That, yeah, that kind of captures itall. I’m not yes, yeah. I don’t know.I don’t know where to start. >> Mm-hm, mm-hm. >> But I guess that’s why I’m talking toyou. >> Yeah, yeah. So, maybe we can, we can take that nextstep and, and and. When, when, when we get together again andwe can do that. We can just take the next step and startlooking at some planning for both of those, in both of those areas. >> Mm-hm .>> For preserve yourself safe. And, and for, you are familiar with, looking at thepossibilities. Cuz there are options and resources outthere should you choose to, to, to make the decision to go back to work. >> Mm-hm .>> There are some options for you. >> So, there’s like a good, mortal canhelp me is currently working on my resume or something like that? >> Yeah, there, there are other optionsfor, for, for a variety of things and we are able to construct some, have some discussionsabout that. >> Okay, okay .>> How does that voice? >> That sounds good. That’d be nice. >> Well, I, I really appreciate again yourcoming in today. And we will follow up with thisconversation and in you, you will have, hopefully to give you what you needed tomake any decisions that you need.And again, they are your decisions aboutwhat if anything you wanna change? And what your next step is. >>[ SOUND] Thank you. I see I’ll get-up-and-go come my newborn from childcare and we’ll, should we make another appointmentor something? >> Yes, let’s make another appointmentwhen we go out front. >> Okay.Thank you ..