Mary: Oh, my God. Turn it off. It’s Saturday. I’m still recovering from last week. That’s tough. I have work to do. You have a date with that hot athletic guy to do. -This is new. -Okay, scoot over. Look how much room is on your side. Aw, you called it my side. Okay. That’s it. ♪♪ -What are you doing? -Let’s go. -Stop! -I’m pushing you out of the nest! -It’s 7 a.m.! -Mom, it’s time to fly! I’m still sleeping! Still sleeping! What are you doing? Are you insane? ♪♪ -Morning. -It’s noon. I couldn’t sleep. Your bed is so much more comfortable than mine. I’ll get you a new mattress then, Mom. Why? You don’t like cuddling with me? I’m 35, and I live with my mother. I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I haven’t slept alone since your dad died, and I just… Okay. Stop, Mom. Don’t use Dad guilt on me, please. -Well, it’s true. -Look. You literally do nothing on your own. You’re young and totally capable of taking care of yourself. -I am young. -Exactly. Take baby steps.
Go out and do something alone, like go to dinner or the movies or something just to see that it’s not so bad. Feel some independence. You might like it. I don’t have money for stuff like that. What do you do with the allowance that I give you? Who could live off $200 a week? You don’t have any bills! -What? -Really? What are you doing tonight? You want to come over and watch a movie? I can’t. I promised Jim I’d stay home and watch some documentary on war or something. Well, wouldn’t you rather hang out with me? Yeah, but I can’t. At least you have the place to yourself tonight, though. Right? Finally get Olivia out of your hair? She told me that I should go out to dinner by myself.
What does that even mean? I don’t know, something about being independent. Please, you’re the definition of codependency. We just need to find you a good husband, and you’ll be fine. -Okay, one last sprint. – ♪♪ ♪♪ I am so excited to get you out. Oh, Abby just switched to pureed food and puked on me before I left, so sorry if I smell like ass. Is that salami on a piece of bread? Yeah. You want a bite? I would destroy that, but I’m off carbs. -That’s why I’ve been so moody. -Look. You’re a crazy person.
-You are tiny. -Yeah, thanks to these. You wear Spanx under your workout clothes? I wear Spanx under everything. Okay. What are you going to wear? Mom, bring some of your dresses. Oh, my God. How many pantsuits can one person own? I mean, really. -Okay. Let’s see. -Olivia: Okay, I’m coming. All right. Wha! -What? -I’m sorry. Do you want to sleep with him, or do you want to put him to sleep? Well, it’s casual, like… Was I not clear that I was making fun of you -with the pantsuits? -What? This is Ann Taylor. I get compliments on this all the time. Okay. I mean, you look like you’re going to an insurance conference. In Utah.
I mean, what are those shoes? -Olivia: What? They’re heels. -Those are not heels. They’re an inch off the floor. Jayne: Yeah. I never understood what a kitten heel is. Just try on some of Mom’s dresses, you know, for fun. -Oh, God. -Come on. Go. Go. Go. -Those are not heels. -Those aren’t even kind of heels. Olivia: Oh, my God, Mom. How do you fit in this? You just have to break it in. Oh, come on. It’s going to look great. Olivia: No way. This is ridiculous. -My Ann Taylor suit is dressy. -Can we just see it, please? -Olivia: Okay. – It’s amazing! I’m obviously not going to wear this. -Oh, come on. -No. It’s fucking — It’s too tight. Mary: No. It looks great. -What? -What’s going on there? Oh. I mean, I haven’t had a chance to wax. -It’s fine. -You’re going to go on a date like that? I’m not going to sleep with him, Mom. If I’m gonna go out with 252 guys, I’ve got to be picky, okay? Well, if I were you, I would just shave it, all of it.
I mean, guys like it bald now, you know? Mine is as bald as a baby’s butt. Okay. Ew, Mom. Now I’m picturing it. You know what? I say you just keep it. That way you know you’re not going to sleep with him. I’m not going to sleep with him! I’m just saying. If you have a few drinks and your decision-making gets sloppy, you’re definitely not going to let anyone down there with all that nasty. It’s like a nasty-ty belt. I just came up with that right now. Boop! I am not hooking up with this dude, okay? He is 26 years old, and he’s wearing freaking five-toed shoes. -I told you that’s fixable! -No. Besides, just think of it as a practice date. You’re going to be rusty. You need someone to work out that first-date kinks with. Yeah, you are definitely going to fuck this guy. Olivia: What mom encourages her daughter to sleep with her first date? A very evolved mom.
Okay. I’m wearing this. It’s casual, but I’ll add my ankle booties to dress it up. I can bend over and you don’t see my underwear. My arms don’t look fat with these sleeves, and it doesn’t show wet spots if I sweat, which I will because I’m really freaking nervous. -It looks super cute on you. -Thanks. This is going to be my first-date outfit now so we don’t have to do this ever again. – -Will you turn off the notifications on my Tinder? It’s, like, keeping me up at night.
-Jayne, what time is it? -Seven. Oh, fuck. I got to go. I can’t get these out. I have to go. Okay. Take a breath. ♪ Oh, my god ♪ ♪ Oh, oh my ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh my ♪ Valet: Good evening, Miss. Hi. Thank you. Hi. I’m Olivia. Oh, hey. Nice to meet you, Griffin. -You rode your bike. -I’m always trying to squeeze in a little extra cardio into my day.
♪♪ You ready to go inside? ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ Yeah. ♪ Ooh ♪ Can I help you? I’m just waiting for a friend. She got a flat tire, so I’m just going to wait. I could seat you while you wait. Maybe get an appetizer? Oh, sure. ♪♪ -Enjoy your meal. -Thanks. I mean, we were born without shoes on, so it makes total sense to have the toes separated. I never take these things off. -Never? -Un-uh, not once. Wow. Cool. Well, we’ve been talking all night about what I like to do. Um, what do you like to do for fun? -For fun? -Yeah.
Oh, all kinds of stuff. Um… I work in insurance. I pay so much liability insurance -because of my business. -Yeah. I mean, I don’t just work in insurance. That sounds boring. I’m actually really close to becoming a member of the Seven-figure Round Table. It’s, like, a really big deal in my industry. It’s going to help when I start my own business, so… -I totally get that. -Yeah? I got first in the suicide sprint at the CrossFit Games last year, 19th overall, and I got this flash. I could just see it: Griffin Fitness Enterprises International. -That’s the name of my business. -Oh, what…? -Personal trainer. -Oh. You just got to get your head in the right place, you know? You already own your own business. Picture yourself behind that desk, and that’s what I did, and look where I am now. Thank you. You should totally come in for a training session on me. Oh, yeah. No. I’m not — I’m not really a gym person, so…
No. You have a really great frame. -Thank — Thank you? -Yeah. Good. -Waitress: Ready to order? -Yes. Yeah. I’m going to have a vodka cranberry, and then I’ll just have the cheeseburger, medium-well. -Okay. -And I will have your cleanest grain alcohol. -Okay. -And I will do the whitefish cooked with no oil, no sauce and a side of steamed veggies please. -Okay. -Thank you. Oh, and you know what? I will not be needing this. I don’t — I don’t need this either. No bun on the burger, too. -Bunless? -Yeah. Just on, like, salad or something. -Protein style. -Yeah, protein style. -I like it. -I usually don’t have a bun. But you know what? Mixers, they ruin a drink, just empty calories. You know what? You should follow me.
I give daily lessons for free. -Totally. That would be good. -Yeah. Yeah. Let me see your phone. Right now you want to see my phone? Yeah. Yeah. I just — I’ll type it in. Okay, um… -You’re going to love it. -Cool. Here you go. Okay, the Griffster. All right. There, you’re following me. I almost have 500 followers. -Wow. -Oh, wow. You only have six. Oh. I’m going to follow you back, okay? Social media is everything now. You really want to up your game on here if you want to start your own business, and I can totally help you. Oh, cool. Thank you. That’s… You know what? I’m just going to use the bathroom really quickly, but this is — this is great. Thank you.
You’re welcome. Oh, my god. How is it going with the hottie? Tell me everything. Oh, my god. I want to go home, Jayne. Why? He was so cute. Correction, he’s gorgeous. He just won’t shut up. All he talks about are fucking dead lifts and kettlebells. He’s a personal trainer trying to give me advice on how to start my own business. I can’t take it. Okay, remember, It’s a practice date just to get your feet wet. Don’t take it so seriously. Oh, but he is so pretty. I mean, he put his hand on my back when we walked in, and I literally shuddered, like an electric jolt going up my spine. – -Whenever he reaches for anything, I can’t help but stare at his arms. If he touches me at all, I am done. I just want to, like, make out or something. I haven’t made out in so fucking long, Jayne. Okay. You realize you just did a full 180 on this guy in the time in took you to pee? He’s so fricking hot. I just wish he’d stop talking. Well, he can’t talk with your tongue down his throat.
True, true, true. I like that idea. Ugh, I loved the make-out phase when Jim and I first started dating. -You guys don’t make out anymore? -No. We do. Well, we kiss, not really make out, no. – -Oh, shit. I got to go. -I don’t want him to think I’m pooping. -Happy making out. All right. Go make out with your husband. Hey. Oh, hey. Perfect timing. I just finished. All yours, babe. Why is it so dark in here? ♪♪ Waiter #1: Waiting for one more? I was, but my friend, she got a flat tire.
She drives a Prius. They have the worst tires, you know? -Yeah. -You know what? It may just be me. I mean, unless she comes later, but I’m not holding my breath. Okay. I’ll just take this out of the way. Can I get you anything to drink? A Ketel One martini, please. We were supposed to go out. That’s why I’m wearing this dress. Okay. I like your dress.
Be right back with your martini. -Thank you. -Thank you. Oh, here. Let me. I got this one. Oh, thank you. That’s okay. I got it. ♪♪ ♪ When we’re alone ♪ ♪ When we’re alone ♪ -♪ When we’re alone ♪ -You want me to give you a ride? Because I think — I think your bike could probably fit in my trunk, of my car. You can fit your bike in my car. Well, yeah. Yeah. That would be great. Yeah. -You know what? I’ve already hit my daily goal, so… -Oh.
Let me go take my tire off my bike, and I’ll meet you outside. Okay. ♪ When we’re alone ♪ ♪ When we’re alone ♪ ♪♪ Okay. ♪♪ ♪♪ Hey. -What? -Hey. Remember when we used to make out all the time? What? You know, when we were first dating? Remember being in the car? Yeah. You woke me up to ask me that? No. I just… I don’t know. I want to make out again like we used to. -Right now? -Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, let me — let me go brush my teeth. I think I was open-mouth breathing. Okay. You were, but it wasn’t that bad.
No. It’s okay. Okay. Just do a quick brush… -All right. -…and come back. Okay. What if we went out to the car? -To make out? -Yeah. You know, like we used to in front of my parents’ house. That was so hot. We can’t leave. Abby is sleeping. We’ll just take the monitor. Come on, please? Let’s go. ♪♪ ♪♪ Did you get the pasta? Everybody raves about the pasta here. That’s what the waiter said to get, so… It’s smart of you to listen because I got the steak, and I got to tell you, it’s not great. You meeting someone? My friend, she got a flat tire, and we were supposed to go out afterwards, so that’s why I’m wearing a dress.
Well, you look stunning, really stunning, and don’t let your friends stop you from going out because I think you’d probably make new friends wherever you go. Hey, you’re right. To hell with her. It kind of feels like we’re already eating together. Would you care to join me? Come on. You seem really sweet, but I’m going to be honest with you. I’m not waiting for my friend. I just said that because I’m trying to eat by myself because my daughter, she doesn’t think I’m independent, but thank you. Really, it was nice to talk. Well, I think you’re doing just great, and I will let you alone and leave you to it.
Buon appetito. Thank you. ♪♪ Um. Thanks for the ride. Oh, yeah. No problem. I had a lot of fun tonight. -Me, too. -Mm-hmm. God, I got to get you to come to a training session. You just — you’re so… Do you want to come up? Um… Look. I’m not sleeping with you, okay? -Okay. – But we could go up and make out. You want to do that? -Okay. – Spooky. Just kidding. -Okay, babe. -Okay. It’s, like, I’m feeling Abby is just… There we are. -Okay. -Yeah. – -Did we used to listen to music? -I don’t know. -No. Come here. -Oh, my god. This is really hot. -Two, three…
Are you CrossFitting me right now? -Mm-hmm. -Okay. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. If you’re on your period, that’s okay. I’ve got dark sheets under here. Okay. No. No. I’m not on my period, but I just — I just — I thought we were just going to make out, you know? Yeah. Okay. We can do that. Mary: You’re going to go on a date like that? Jayne: It’s like a nasty-ty belt. I… You wouldn’t care if I was on my period? No. Really? Okay. I’m not. I’m not on my period. -I wouldn’t care anyway. – Wow. You really don’t have any hair on your whole body. Lasered it off before the CrossFit Games last year. It prevents chafing. I have got to get you to my gym. You’re going to look so swole. I swear — – – What? Jayne, we have an entire house to make out in, and we’re sitting in our car in the garage, and the baby monitor is beeping.
This is silly. Come on. Let’s go inside. – -Oh, this is so cool. I’ve never seen a hairy pussy in real life before. I’ve only seen them in my dad’s old Playboys. Okay, shut up. Shut up. Ooh. -Yeah. -Oh. Oh. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Hey, I found a pube. ♪ SOS ♪ ♪ Pull it to the corner ♪ ♪ And wait ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Shine a light on my heart ♪ ♪ Because I don’t know ♪ ♪ Just what I’m going to do ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Olivia: Hey, Mom. Hey. How was your date? Eh. What are you doing? Watching a Lifetime movies. This babysitter is batshit crazy. Can I watch with you for a second? Of course. God, your bed is so uncomfortable. I told you. Ugh.
Man #1: She basically attacked me. Man #2: What are they going to do? You think I waited too long to get into all this? I have no idea what I’m doing, and apparently I’m old. If that’s the case, we’re both fucked. You just have to keep going. You have a lot of options on there, and any guy would be lucky to have you. Why is there a wet spot under my butt? -Oh, god! – Ew! Mom! What? I was doing what you told me to, baby steps! I guess we’re sleeping in your room tonight.
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