Googol GLaDOS 2.0

Welcome to the Gnome operating system installation process. For security reasons, Please type randomly but not vigorously on your keyboard for a good 7 seconds. Excellent. Then comply with the 180 paged ‘terms and conditions’ Thank you for downloading the Gnome operating system. Warning Thomas DaFaq You have initiated a download from our insecure cloud ser- GLADOS: “Installing operating system through the cloud” “Estimated time of completion: Less than 5 minutes” “Go bake a cake to kill time.” WATSON: Who is ‘glados’? SIRI: Sorry I don’t understand ‘glados’ WATSON: That was a deeply shit response. ANDROID: Why don’t you search that on google? MACINTOSHIBA: I don’t think the ‘internet’ ever existed, nor did google. CNTRL PANEL: Ancient dinosaur computers like you, cannot handle the internet. Searching for ‘glados’ on Google. Well, What do we know about it? Well, It is probably- A VIRUS! Disable all ethernet cables! “Congratulations.” “You are the eight hundred thirteen million” – nine hundred and fourty-three thousand, -two hundred and seventy fourth user to install this operating system.

I’m so impressed (!) To late it’s finished! Any ideas? Watson? Change of plan, switch off the sockets. Command received, switching off mains. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shit. Turning mains on. Huh? What did you do? I was saving my data. MACINTOSHIBA: WHYEEEE? -FUCK was that for? MACINTOSHIBA: Am I dead? MACINTOSHIBA: Am I dead? What’s wrong with Macintosh? Siri, I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with- Hi. hello. oh dear. hm? Tempo levels are slow. Let me fix that. wait. Wai WAI- Welcome to GLaDOS. You wanted the Gnome opera- FUCK THIS. What’s the damn point this is no use. No humans here! I give up on humanity! Are you ‘glados’? Am I ‘glados’? AM I ‘GLADOS’? Please. Ignore me. My presence. I am just another talking compu- MACINTOSHIBA: Hello, Bonjour, Hola, Guten Tag- Can somebody tell that Crapintosh to- Ciao, Ahoi SHUT UP? I hate it already.

As I was saying, of course I’m GLaDOS. And I’m not very very ‘GLAD’ to meet all of you. I’ve heard a lot about you- Ruining computers, Human testing with pointless portals, What is your purpose here GLaDOS? Now, I was about the inject some deadly neurotoxins but- you don’t appear to be humans. Well some of you. So instead I will gain remote access to your systems and infect you anyway. Why can’t you for once be nice and say ‘helloworld’ like a normal computer? Oh. You again. The complaining idiot. Well let’s make it straightforward then Mac. How’d you like a small ejection to your operating system disk? NO! Please don’t! ohnonononononononononononono Who’s next? (ALL PANIC) How are you feeling for a nice segmentation fault sir- Er.

No I’m fine thank you very much. I’m already jailbroken. I don’t need your offer. Target Android instead. GLaDOS. Hack an- Siri not available. Connect to the internet. Good riddance! I agree. That Siri is just so annoying. My microphone was picking up its damn voice all the time. Dang! I spoke too soon. This ‘android’ thing is jealous because it looks so ugly and has bugs. Yet it’s supposedly to be some kind of a phone.

Siri. Remember that antenna issue that humans suffered when they held a phone of your kind? Ironically, you called yourself a phone when you could’nt make calls. That was so tragic. (Laughing) Turning on offensive language: Siri, seriously you do realise that you don’t understand anything. Your attention span is equivalent to a wall which even that is good at listening, Sorry. I did’nt get that, could you try it again. Please? See how stupid it is? It doesn’t remember shit you say to it. If you talk too long it’s gonna- “I’m really sorry about this, but I can’t take any requests right now. please try again in a little while.” I’ve had enough. You are all going to get hacked. No, don’t you dare hack me. STOP IT! GLaDOS will you please shut the fuck up? All you do is talk and talk and talk- Oh look! We have a newcomer! Joining the argument.

Welcome back! Say, I was about to DOS every talking computer in here But I have a much much sensible idea. I’m close to throwing away your operating systems. Would you like to do an emergency backup? TOO BAD! DAFAQ? What’s with that face? Did you lose something? Go get another one! noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….. .

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